If you’re not up to reading a really, really angry post, with a few choice words, then please go no further.
Before I get started, though, I would like to truly thank Dr Karen R Brooks, an author, academic and newspaper columnist, who over the past few months has been such a loving, outstanding support. Thank you, Karen. I love you dearly.
I have been feeling angry for a long time, but it is very hard to articulate that anger (or I felt so guilty about trying to articulate it that I simply could not voice it). But the other day Karen (thank you, sweetheart) sent me an excerpt of a review of a book by Barbara Ehrenreich. It suddenly not only made sense of everything I’d been feeling, but in one wondrous swoop it lifted from my shoulders all that guilt I’d been carrying about (and which burdens so many people with cancer). It also made me very angry (yes, even more so!), because as I thought more about what the review said, I realised how people with cancer are made to feel guilty in so many subtle, different ways.
This post is a healing post for me, because it is the post where I am going to say, “Sorry, but I’m not falling for that guilt trap again.” I am absolutely over people who make those with cancer feel guilty.
The review of Barbara Ehrenreich’s book, “Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America”, appeared in the Washington Post in mid-November this year. Here is the part of that review Karen sent me:
… studies proclaiming a link between a positive attitude and cancer survival … are full of problems and discounted by most researchers. Furthermore, the popular insistence that cheerfulness can help beat the big C, while it can be a great convenience for health workers and even friends of the afflicted, who might prefer fake cheer to complaining, leaves patients in the uncomfortable position of having to deny their very real anger and sadness, even to themselves, for fear of being complicit in their own illness.
You can read the full review at the link above.
That small excerpt in itself hit a horribly painful nerve deep within me. How many times have I been made to feel guilty that I was depressed, or hopeless, or scared? That if I entertained those feelings, well then, I was simply going to allow the cancer to beat me, and it would all be my own fault if I died. How many times have I sat on my sofa, all alone, shaking in fear because I couldn’t banish the dark thoughts, and thinking those dark thoughts alone would condemn me? How many people have prattled on to me about the ‘power of positive thinking’, not realising that all they were doing was deepening my own pain, forcing me to suppress any feelings of anger or fright or grief — all emotions I was utterly entitled to feel. Perhaps they thought they were making me feel better. Instead they greatly increased my pain.
People diagnosed with cancer go through a huge range of powerful emotions. They are absolutely entitled to every one of those emotions, they need to move through them (in the same way people need to move through the grieving process), and they need to move through them at their own pace. Telling people to brighten up, or buck up, or try and put it behind you, or thinking like that won’t get you anywhere, or try to be positive, and numerous other empty platitudes, does such immense, immense harm.
I’ll repeat something that review said “… the popular insistence that cheerfulness can help beat the big C, while it can be a great convenience for health workers and even friends of the afflicted, who might prefer fake cheer to complaining …” So be positive and cheerful, girl. Not only will that kill your cancer, it will make everyone about you feel that much brighter, too, as you’ll be such a nicer person to be around!
Oh dear, yes. I never realised until I developed cancer myself what a burden it can be - simply because the person with cancer often has to console many of the people about them. That is not true of everyone. I have family and friends who have been immensely strong for me, and I thank them and love them so much for it. But as for others, who I had to work hard to console and who, after a while, gave up actually asking me how I felt and came out with factual statements like, “Hello! I bet you’re feeling a whole lot better today! Right? Great!” … well, what can I say. I was forced constantly to say yes, I was feeling better, when all I wanted was someone to console me because I was hurting so badly inside. People with cancer have a double burden to carry - they not only somehow have to make it right for themselves, they often have to make it right for those about them, too. You are literally forced into false cheerfulness by the needs of those about you.
That is so bloody unfair.
Once that review got me thinking, I remembered many of the other subtle guilts I have been forced to feel.
One of the great guilt trips (which appears in many guises) is that you yourself are responsible for your own cancer, perhaps by hiding deep secrets or bad feelings (or whatever harmful little pimple of bad emotion you harbour deep inside). You have cancer? Then it is all your own fault, man, because you’ve been harbouring ‘unresolved issues’ haven’t you? This is a great one in alternative medicine. As just one example, on this page, about half way down, it states the belief of Louise Hay that “cancer is connected with deep hurt, long standing resentment. Or a deep secret or grief eating away at the self.” The site helpfully gives us Hay’s healing affirmation which we can say ten times a day in which we manage to forgive ourselves.
We have to forgive ourselves. Oh, well then, why don’t we just go all out and crucify ourselves at the same time and get it all over and done with. Thanks. Very. Much. Peace, light and harmony to you, too.
I also have problems with those who advocate alternative approaches to treating cancer because that often also increases stress and guilt. Despite what I say below, I am not against alternative approaches to treating cancer at all. I will happily try something if it resonates with me; I have most certainly tried alternative practices (although I’ve given up trying to forgive myself!). I don’t want to get into a debate about whether or not conventional medicine is better or worse than alternative medicine in treating cancer. Everyone is free to make their own choices and I fully support anyone with cancer going down Route A as opposed to Route B. Whatever makes you happiest, most comfortable and more confident, then do it. You can also mix both conventional and alternative happily and with few problems, and there are very, very few conventional medical practitioners who will want to try and stop you trying alternative approaches (whatever conspiracy theory the alternatives are trying to push down your throat).
What I hate (and deeply resent) is the guilt that gets ladled about on so many alternative medicine sites.
I have already mentioned Louise Hay’s theory that we’re all responsible for our own cancers by harbouring unresolved grief etc. The site where I found that little gem (www.cancerfightingstrategies.com) presents a guide to some alternative approaches to treating cancer, (but is heavily biased and the author of the site never identifies themselves, nor provides contact info - a big, big no no).
There was one thing on one page that soured the entire site for me - and, yes, it was the guilt thing again. The author discusses the idea that cancer cells feed off sugar, and suggests (as do many others) that you eliminate all refined sugars from your diet: “Cut out all sugars, cookies, chips, etc. Now of course, you may not want to change your habits. That’s okay, you have every right to live or die as you like.”
Bloody hell. What a patronizing bastard (or bitch – as they don’t identify themselves I can’t decide which way to go). I eat a pretty sensible diet. I don’t ‘do’ chocolate or crisps or cookies, or very, very rarely. I eat lots of organic veggies. I cook from scratch from whole, healthy foods. But my single love is a cup of milky, sweet tea. Now even that is denied me, because some ghostly voice will be echoing inside, You know you’re killing yourself with this cup of tea, don’t you? (And, of course, the animal protein in the milk will do me in, too, as so many happily advise.)
I have to feel guilty about a single bloody cup of tea with milk and sugar. You may think this a small, insignificant thing – but it isn’t. Multiply this a thousand times by all the things the alternative practitioners tell you not to do (because if you do them you are feeding your cancer and are, quite simply, responsible for killing yourself) and your life becomes a nightmare of guilt and fear.
There are so many sites like this on the web. They each have an agenda to push, and they don’t hold back on using the guilt trip to get you onto their particular hobbyhorse. Everywhere you go there is someone laying further guilt on you. Very quietly. Very subtly. Any pleasure is denied, even a decent sob, because it will likely kill you … and it is most certainly your fault you have cancer in the first place.
A word also about what happens to someone who suddenly announces she or he has cancer. Every single one of us, I am certain, gets inundated by well-meaning people about alternative approaches to treating cancer. We are referred to countless websites, articles and books about miraculous waters, minerals, enzymes, juices, diets, meditations, teas, amazing berries from the foothills of the Himalayas, courses, healing hands/back supports/magical dusters, and the amazing power of dancing naked under the moon at midnight. Amid countless others.
Personally, I have been referred (completely unasked) to well over one hundred different web sites and/or approaches. Can I just point out, very politely (and without screaming, which is what I really want to do), what this does to someone? All of you well-meaning people are now forcing me to choose between over one hundred conflicting bits of advice about which route to go down. Can’t you understand that I now sit on my sofa and shake in fear about choosing the wrong one? Do I really need this kind of incredible stress?
It is the same as if all these people have taken me to one hundred different conventional doctors, all with different approaches, and then sat me back and said, Make sure you pick the right approach, or else you’ll die. (Need I point out the guilt issue again.) From talking to other people with cancer, as others with serious diseases, this is a pet hate of many – that they are inundated with unasked-for advice by the well-meaning who simply worsen an already incredibly stressful time.
If someone asks for the information, then by all means hand it over. If someone doesn’t ask for it, then please stop ladling out the advice. It does not help. It makes it much, much worse. Please credit whoever it is with cancer (or whatever serious disease) that they have enough intelligence to know who Mr Google is, and that they know what Mr Google can do, and that if they want to avail themselves of Mr Google then they bloody well will all on their own. And if they don’t want to avail themselves of Mr Google, then please accept that this is their right, too.
I know that if I keel over one day, then many of these people who push this or that bit of advice are going to suck their teeth and scratch their arses and say (or think), “If only she’d done what I’d suggested …”. And, yes, conventional practitioners will say it too, if their advice has been ignored.
Anyone with cancer knows that at their death there are going to be countless multitudes lining up to say, “Oh, if only she/he had taken my advice …”.
All the guilt people with cancer are forced to bear …
A single issue keeps coming up with alternative medicine sites and spokespeople. If all these alternative approaches were so bloody wonderful, why don’t conventional doctors push them? Well, the alternative medicine practitioners and their fans mutter, that’s because the conventional medical practitioners won’t make any money this way so they’re hardly going to tell you about them are they?
Oh God, that makes me so fucking angry. It always has to be a conspiracy, doesn’t it? The fact that the alternative medical practitioners are going to make money from their alternative medicines and treatments is never mentioned! There is an entire industry out there feeding off the terror (and the guilt) of the hopeless, and I find that vile.
Why are there so any people ‘out there’ who insist, and insist on telling me (or by insinuating it by suggesting this, that, or ninety-eight other alternatives), that I have taken the wrong route? Do you really think you are doing me a kindness? Where in God’s name is your humanity?
I can only speak of my own personal experience here, but none of the surgeons, doctors, oncologists and nurses who have seen me throughout my (conventional) treatment have proved to be black-hearted money grabbers who have intentionally withheld information from me because it won’t make them a penny. They have all been genuinely caring individuals who have done their very best for me.*
Not one of them has sat back and moralized about thinking positive and seeking a higher spiritual plane by eating an alkaline diet (or via whatever means) when I’ve been sitting sobbing in front of them. They have simply held my hand, or hugged me, and told me they understand, and asked what they could do for me. They have been brilliant. They have never once made me feel guilty. They have never once pointed the finger at me and said, “It’s your fault”, nor have they once insinuated it, and yet alternative medicine and all those platitudes offered by the well-meaning does this over and over and over in a myriad of subtle, horrid ways.
Well, I am past the guilt. I am angered by all those who ladle out the guilt, but I am now past it.
So now I am going to have a cup of tea with some sugar in it, and think some glum thoughts, just because I damn well can.
*There was one extraordinary doctor who gave me some expensive treatment one day. When I fronted at reception to pay, the doctor poked her head into the reception area and said to the receptionist, “There is no charge. She has been through enough already.” That, my friends, is conventional medicine. And that, my friends, was such humanity and compassion that it even now, months later, leaves me in tears.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:48 am
♥ Thank you.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Good for you Sara, couldn’t agree more. I’ll join you in a cup of tea, although in my case coffee - even more toxic apparently………….
December 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Good for you..
December 15th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
P.S. I miss my Milky Sweet cups of tea. I gave them up in misguided attempt to lose weight.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
It is a shame that the world now forces people to look on the bright side of a hellish experience or time of one’s life. The Secret can tell people what and how to feel does not mean it will happen. Good things do happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Sadly that is just a part of life. Life is an experience everyone must go through.
I do sincerely hope your day gets better.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
*hug*
December 15th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Thank you for the supportive posts thus far.
Amusingly, something just happened which underscores the entire fear/guilt thing in the alternative industry. As I said in my post, I don’t mind alternative medicines at all and will happily use them. In fact, this weekend I spent some time looking for a product from Australian supplement online stores to buy. I made enquiries at several stores. One just rang me up and demanded to know why I had not purchased from him. I said (truthfully) that I had got (the very same product) elsewhere cheaper.
This chap then descended into a rant in which he told me the product from the competitor would be contaminated with heavy metals, gasoline, what you will, and insinuated that it would kill me if I took it.
I held the phone away from my ear as he ranted (making a note to leave a false number next time a site made it compulsory to leave a phone number), let him rave, and then just said “Thank you,” and hung up.
Fear and guilt. The ultimate weapons of too many alternative medicine/supplement sites.
December 15th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I think you’re brilliant. Wonderful post. Sent with much loving to an amazing woman!
December 15th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Sara
Well said. There are some very simplisitic approaches to the causes of cancer out there. It is like others are so afraid that cancer is contagious that they will do anything to turn attention away from the fact that cancer is real and strikes unpredicatably.
I found the same kind of attitude exists to divorce and other socially unacceptable conditions. For some reason people who haven’t yet experienced the vagaries of misfortune think they can control everything that happens to then.
I am glad you have claimed your anger!
December 15th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Dear Sara
I long ago decided that people would not make me feel guilty because of my largish frame. I WILL eat cheese, I enjoy cheese. I WILL drink coffee, regardless of the caffeine, beacause I enjoy coffee. Only 2 of my many vices, but no-one will make me feel guilty because of them, so well said dear friend.
Enjoy your life & if feeling miserable & enjoying tea with milk & suagr, so be it, it is your life & your decisons on what you do & how. You know if you need me I am only a phone call/an email away.
Hugs to both you & dear Karen.
December 15th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I read your recent post and thought shit yep thats what we do (us hoomans) so we as a collective should eat drink (anything we want when we want it) and be merry, for life is far too short, I’m sorry that this has happened to you and have no words of wisdom to offer, but at least you have the parrot! you do still have the what were the words friggin bloody friggin parrot???
December 15th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Ahhh about bloody time .. the Sara I know and love …( Louise Hay can go stick it!!)
I’m with you Joy..life is to short to deny myself…
December 16th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Thank you so much, Sara, for sharing your world and a taste of that of others with serious illness. As a fledgling student of alternative medicine, I will hold your words and experiences close and it will give my learning greater perspective. Thank you again.
December 16th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
It is no fun living with the terror, though. No fun at all. Eat, drink and be merry is fine so long as you’re not terrified out of your skin.
December 16th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
There’s nothing wrong with feeling happy sad or angry, but too much of any one of them can be bad for you. Like everything in life you just have to keep a balance.Spitting the dummy always make me feel better
You’re right about the new age industry, most of them are snake oil salesmen and they’ve been around for centuries.The trick is to work out which are the genuine article.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Glad you said something, you’ve been putting up with “well meaning” & unsolicited advice for far too long. Great to hear you tell it like it is! Hugs my dear friend. xSusan
December 17th, 2009 at 2:11 am
Good on you. No guilt needed but maybe understanding where people are coming from when they suggest snake-oil mark 700009 - They’re often wanting some hope to cling to. It’s um, not about you at all, but it’s about their need - which is often because they’re scared of being hurt and fond of you. Having several friends with cancer - and having expected to die young myself (long story and my business-it appears I was wrong) it’s awkward line to choose when dealing with people with cancer - some people appreciate frankness, others don’t want the subject mentioned. Anyway, I enjoy reading your garden/self-sufficiency blog, and can’t see why you need to be positive if you don’t want to.
cheers
Dave
December 17th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Oh, I don’t mind people talking about it - I just resent like hell everyone who has advice to offer. “Got cancer? Well, let me tell you about this site I’ve heard about …” Geez.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Hi Sara, we are just waiting to find out if my DH has lung cancer or something less. Your words have given me the ability to be there for him without hurting, him us more with the wait. Thankyou so much Sara, for you honesty.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I’m glad that you were able to get that out, Sara. Thank you for opening my eyes.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
You are a very strong and beautiful person Sara, thank you for your words…I have had people say don’t worry about the nodules on my lungs……hey I will worry, they haven’t disappeared yet !!
December 17th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Hear, hear!!
What an epiphany. There is nothing like having your feelings validated, bravo on a great post.
December 18th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Thank you again everyone. Aussiemade - best wishes to you and you DH. Stressful time for you both.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Good post. A medical radio show I listen (radiotherapy on 3RRR) had also talked about a study saying there is no difference as to whether people have a positive attitude or a negative one with regard to suvival rates with cancer.
When I was preganant, I dared to be grumpy one day with a midwife, and I am sure it had in file I was a potential for PND (and it is good they look out for it) I had a cold and couldn’t take any drugs for it, and whilst the preganancy was planned, if it had been my decision alone I probably wouldn’t had a baby, but as a joint decision we decided to have one. (just explaining the back ground) So I wasn’t always happy and over the moon about it, and every now and then I just wanted to be grumpy over the whole thing. But that is not alllowed it seems…
So this is a timely post post to remind people - including me! - to BACK OFF.
December 20th, 2009 at 12:32 am
Hi Sara, just read your blog - it was an eyeopener to someone who has never been down your road. It rang uncomfortably true.
I just wanted to say that over the years, I’ve read your books and followed your website travels, and it is your spirit, your strength of character, deep insight and your humour that has kept my admiration and interest. You are remarkable human being full of grace and honesty. So shrug off the gaff, the clutter. Listen to the silence and to the wise woman you already are.
The next hot, milky, sweet cup of tea is on me!
Enjoy!
December 20th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Sara, as Bronnie’s post suggests: “This is Sara” - No comments can really be added because that’s the plain truth and it says it all.
December 20th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
A huge chunk of the self-help movement seems to involve assigning guilt. Poor? Your fault for not having positive thoughts. Same with disease. It makes me more than angry to think of the authors of this dribble raking in millions of dollars as desperate people buy their product in the hope of turning their lives around. Yeah, “I am a money magnet” works - for the authors of the books.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:50 am
Too damn right, Sara!!
All those who guilt us shall receive from me a ‘present’ in the form of a certain digit extended while the others curl down and an invitation to STFU!
Glad the HMS Guilttrip has docked, soon to be scuttled.
And, WOW, what a wonderful human being that doctor is. What an angel!
Enjoy your tea. With whatever-the-you-want-in-it in it!
December 23rd, 2009 at 5:36 am
Dear Sara,
I don’t know you personally, but I have been a devoted fan since the moment a Luis Royo cover grabbed my eye and led me to the first book (The Wayfarer Redemption) of my soon-to-be favorite author. Reluctant to bother you with giddy fan mail, I have refrained from commenting here since I found this journal recently. College work has kept me busy and unable to read much of your blog, so I did not know until reading this post today that you are sick. I now feel compelled to write, and hope you forgive my intrusion.
First of all let me say that you absolutely have a right to feel sad, scared, angry, or any other emotion that may well up inside. This is your story, your life, and no one can know what you, individually, are going through. Now, I am not saying that I think positive thinking is a negative, but no one is happy all the time, right? You, as ANYONE else, have a right to your own feelings. One of the things that I think leads to so much unhappiness and self-repression is this idea that we should ignore or hide the unpleasant bits and it’s horribly unhealthy. Worse by far than not being positive all the time is the toll on your body that denying your feelings can have. I am interested in both psychology and biology (specifically Neuropsych), and I have come to see that not processing your feelings has a significant physiological effect. Significant repression can lead to a weaker immune system, which opens you up to infections and issues of all types. And you can throw that in the face of those who would tell you not to feel your feelings!
On a more personal note, I dealt with depression for over ten years. The worst of it came while watching someone I loved dearly, my best friend, suffer with an autoimmune disorder and die three years later at age 19. Now, I recognize that this situation is really not the same, and I do not pretend to know how you are feeling so please don’t take this as a comparison, but I noticed something about grief. After all those years, I realized that part of my problem came in the fact that no one wanted to see the negative. No one wanted to see pain or grief, and so they shut me out or tried to get rid of it by jokes or telling me not to “dwell” on the negative. I think that listening and feeling guilty or thinking something was wrong because I couldn’t let things go just made it last that much longer. Eventually I decided that I would grieve, fully, when I needed to, rather than hide or stifle it. She (my friend) deserved to be remembered and honored, and the grief was still a part of that. In the year following her death, only once did someone just hold me and let me cry. That experience showed me how very deeply I had wanted someone, anyone, to simply accept it and acknowledge/validate my right to feel those feelings. It also made me realize how fervently most people will shy away from negativity, and I suspect it is because they themselves do not know how to face their feelings.
Because of my past I eventually started working in hospice. The realization that dying is a part of life and that those who are sick need most to have compassionate, honest companionship, but often cannot get it–especially from family who are dealing with their own grief and fear. I wanted, as I said when interviewed for the volunteer position, “to help the dying to die well and loved.” My experience in hospice led me to understand a bit more of why people had rejected me or my grief when I was younger. Most of it is selfish, but most of it is also unintentional. Grief of any kind makes people uncomfortable, because they fear their own, don’t know how to deal with it, or simply hurt when they see someone they love hurt. For all these people, I say to you I am sorry. You have every right to feel grief, anger, fear … anything. Most do not mean to hurt you and would be ashamed to know they only hurt you more in denying the natural, turbulent, emotional response to sickness like cancer.
Another thing that your post reminded me of is how, when I first found out she was sick, it hit me like a punch in the gut and she put her arm around me and comforted me, rather than how it should have been. I moved away from the state where she lived for a couple of years, but I thought a lot and learned a lot so when I moved back at 18 I was determined not to make the same mistake. I would have my own time to grieve and be weak, but when I saw her I was absolutely determined to be strong, to be whatever she needed, so that I could be there for her. I would not fail her again. I would put her needs before my own, not denying that I was sad and that I love her, but being able to comfort anyway I could, even to just listen, without making her feel like she had to hide anything or avoid pitfalls for my sake.
I hope, sincerely, that you have someone who can be conscious of these things for you, who can be honest with you and allow you to be honest with them. That sharing can be one of the most incredible and fulfilling experiences I have yet felt. And I hope you can forgive those who are insensitive or selfishly demand things of you, as well as forgive yourself for being human. I wish that I could be there for you. I feel so much gratitude for what you have written and the effect it had on me, even though we are strangers.
I hope that my letter wasn’t too long and boring for you, I know I tend to get a bit redundant and/or wordy when trying to explain how I feel. I just want you to know you are justified in frustration with others, that your human emotions are valid, and that you deserve more respect than you have been afforded.
With Love from the other side of the globe,
Frosty (Rachel Lee)
December 23rd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
The 7 Stages of Grief:# Shock or Disbelief, # Denial, # Bargaining,
# Guilt, # Anger, # Depression, # Acceptance, and Hope.
Best wishes Sara. What you are feeling is natural.
What also irks me is people flaunting Karma around - it negates the goodness of people who have bad circumstances thrust upon them and makes them feel guilty for something that is assumed must be recompense for a bad behaviour in a past life. How unfair is that.
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Hi Sara
You put into words what I am thinking. Bravo.
December 24th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
I think all life is about choice you choose at every turn and junction, some times they are the wrong choices but end up taking you to where you need to be.It’s your life, your choice if today is bad and you choose to be grumpy thats your choice because it is your expeirience.I am travelling a similar road and choose to just live each day ,i choose to eat what i do and do what I do because: week 1 chocolate is good for you, week 2 chocolate will kill you.Know what no one knows what makes cells go wrong and until they do read not think they do) I ain’t listening.Heck it could be aliens for all anyone knows. It’s your life live in it.
December 30th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I have learned, and am still learning, that every individual deals with cancer differently. I knew within a few days of my diagnosis that I wanted to be utterly positive throughout my lengthy course of treatment. I knew instinctively that this was the only way I would be brave enough to deal with it. Anything else felt wrong. I was very fortunate in that nobody expected or demanded any particular kind of behaviour from me. What I found most difficult to deal with was what I’d call ’soft sympathy’, the ‘oh, you poor dear’ and ‘I’ll pray for you’ kind of response. I didn’t get this from those close to me, because I told them not to do it.
We are all different, and we need to deal with life in our own individual ways, as ourselves. I think my response reflected the kind of person I am in my daily life.
The idea that cancer arises from one’s own dark thoughts and emotions is ludicrous and deserves to be dismissed outright. So is the suggestion that positive thinking alone can cure a person, or that negative thinking will make the actual cancer worse. Hospital staff did tell me that positive thinking helps during the period of treatment, and I believe that.
We could go completely crazy if we obeyed every conflicting bit of health info that we’re bombarded with these days. With diet, common sense rules. I should add, though, that there are dietary recommendations for certain cancers that ARE supported by medical science. For instance, older women with breast cancer need to keep their fat intake down, because fatter women make more oestrogen, and breast cancer cells feed on oestrogen. This info is from my oncologist. That doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally have one square of dark chocolate or a piece of cheese.
Thank you for putting this out in the open, Sara.
December 31st, 2009 at 2:54 am
Hi Sara - I just fell in love with you all over again. Just wanted you to know that…
January 1st, 2010 at 11:49 am
Sara, happy new year. as my family is experiencing the “big c thing” amongst a few of us particularly now, your rave was as beneficial to me as it was you. i couldn’t agree more with you re: how effectual all that retoric can be. my mum (truelly our beloved monarch) turns 72 today and has dealt with it for over 50 years. still she lives as strong as ever she has been and we cherish her for that. sara - just live and love
January 1st, 2010 at 6:23 pm
Sara, Hope you had a good Christmas and just wanted to wish you a Happy and Healthy New Year.
Hugs, Kerrie
January 2nd, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Great H.L.Mencken post:
“For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear , simple, and wrong.”
Be happy! Think positive! WooWoo!
January 2nd, 2010 at 11:31 pm
HUGS.
Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for teaching us about cancer, warts and all. The warts are the most important bit.
Out of curiosity, how hard were you hitting the keys when you typed that post?
If you ever feel like having a holiday in Queensland we would love to have you. Matt makes a mean cup of tea.
January 6th, 2010 at 10:01 pm
100% with you on this one, Sara. I have two clear memories of wanting to do acts of unspeakable violence during my treatment; the first was when reading a book which advised me I should cut out all dairy, and treat myself to high-quality ice cream from a little place in WA once a year. Um, no, that’s not living; that’s punishing myself in ways that even the chemo gods couldn’t conceive. The second was when a well-meaning friend, practising naturopath & Louise Hay devotee quietly and seriously asked me had I worked out why I had been chosen to have cancer? In other words, how, exactly had I done this to myself?
Answer: dumb, bad luck. On the flipside, I was lucky enough that my doctors knew how to treat me, and they were even open to my using some complementary medicines as and when I saw fit. And whilst I do think the mind is a powerful tool, I don’t believe that it can fix everything, or that we should be made to feel guilty if it doesn’t morph into a magic wand (I was once told that if what I was visualising wasn’t coming true, I wasn’t doing it right. Supportive, no?). And as for the idea that illness is some sort of karmic payback, either from this life or a previous one … well, I try not to swear in print …
Your anger is understandable, and valid, and perhaps the world we be a beter place if more of us acknowledged our true emotions more often!
January 7th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Sara, i have only just logged onto your website to look for info on your next book and feel terrible not knowing about your past year. As a nurse I care for people who undergo operations to have tumours removed everyday, it is very much a combination of many things, rewarding: to be able to try and assist others through some of their darkest times, frustrating: when you feel helpless and that there is nothing more you can do, distressing, emotionally draining, and againg REWARDING, because you meet some most remarkable people. Quite often, almost always I do not know what to say, so generally I say nothing and just hold my patients hand or give them a hug or sit and listen sharing a box of tissues. or quite often holding my own tears back and shedding them in quiet and share this nameless persons story with my loved one.
In response to that Kay lady, my experience in health care is that generally it is the loveliest, people who seem to have there legs knocked from beneath them, not the nasty horrible ones.
I wish you a lovely journey and look forward to reading your next instalment.
January 8th, 2010 at 5:57 am
Oh no! I have to do MATHS to comment? It’s the first thing in the morning… and Maths is the devil’s work….
Still, I’ll get a grip and move on from that trauma.
Beautifully articulated post. The positive thinking bit reminds me very much of Amway. Twenty years ago when I was married my then husband got into it and the whole line was that you have to be positive about everything. If you were negative then you were actively encouraging bad things to happen. Talk about stifling any genuine discussion and growth in a marriage!
It would be precisely the same way in your situation. It seems like you’ve taken the Mary Poppins hat off, though!
January 8th, 2010 at 9:07 am
Fantastic rant, Sara. I read every single word of it, and I hope it felt good for you to get it all out! I love that you will share such personal feelings with us, and feel very privileged. It’s great to have such an upfront description of cancer from the sufferer’s perspetive.
Hope everything is going well in Tassie, Happy New Year, and all that jazz.
January 8th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Sara,
You are a wonderful author and a credit to Australia. I just want to tell you that I one hundred percent appreciate what you have done for Australian literature and what you are going through. Sending you love.
As an opinion which you can discard because it comes from my own life experiences I think it is really important that you always listen to yourself to make you feel right. Let others talk their own shit to sate their own internal… whatever it is and just do what feels right. Recently my grandmother had a terrible case of leg sores I mean it was like eczema on stimulants and a close family friend and practicing alternative therapist suggested Ayurvedic medicine. My grandmother and I tested ourselves and found out our types and guess what? I can drink milk something I have always been told was bad for me it was the other foods that caused my bad reaction.
The amazing thing about Ayurvedic medicine is it is like a good mother and never says no. The even more amazing thing is that since switching to a diet of foods that I love I am talking about: cream, milk, butter and SUGAR I am feeling totally better. No more throbbing allergic reactions to what I thought was milk now I eat the foods I love.
So I know that you have probably been advised a million different things and I don’t want to tell you what to do or say something that guilts you. I only wanted to tell you about something that is not restrictive and so pleasant to follow. I mean I am not supposed to eat tomatoes, onions or egg yolks things i have disliked my whole life.
But please ignore me and simply know that you are in my prayers and please continue to do yourself the favour of doing things how you want to: Cry, laugh, scream and rage do whatever feels right because it is better to make a start from were you are rather then looking at the top of the mountain and visualising you are there.
Kindest regards
Luke
January 9th, 2010 at 12:54 am
I just want to send you very big virtual hugs, Sara.
*mega-hugs*
Emma.