First, you’d go insane.

Then you’d start to swear at it.

Then you’d go find torches, screw drivers, a towel, a long broom, then you’d shut the cats out of the room, then you’d start to dismantle the heavy cast iron fire surrounds, then you’d swear and shriek and use the broom to get the bloody, bloody, bloody parrot who had fallen down the chimney out from behind the fireplace, then you’d spend half an hour trying to catch the bloody parrot as it shrieked about the room, then you’d let it go, and in two hours time it would all start over again as the frigging parrot fell down the chimney again!!!!!!!!

For two days now the ruddy thing has been falling down the chimney. Over and over. Just when I think peace has returned to my life, the frigging fireplace starts to whistle at me again. I got to the point this morning of leaving the fire surrounds completely dismantled and have put a firescreen in front of the fireplace so I can get it out again if need be without half the hassle.

This begs the question, why not block off the top of the chimney? Well, it was blocked off, until the parrot started to break off bits of mortar with his/her beak then cast itself down into the void. So get it fixed. Yes, I will, but it will require about $900 worth of scaffolding to get to the top of this exceptionally high chimney with no good roof near it to stand on. (Just trust me on this, too hard to explain.) $900 for a ten minute job.

I am so OVER this parrot!